I can drink draft beer because I’m a draftsman. How can I drink a lager if I don’t even own a chainsaw? Helloooo?

I’ve had kidney stones.

I’ve had thoughts of going to the gym.

Both passed.

Thoughts from the patio:

I found the patio.

Get behind me, Ulmer…get behind me.

Cat’s can help you feel good about yourself.

For example…on this cold and rainy night, Ruby here could be cold and wet in some back alley, scrounging through the garbage for food. Or she could still be in the pound, cooped up in one of a row of cages. But instead, she is all cozy and cute on her wittle pillow. And you think to yourself “look what I did. I rescued her and gave her a warm home. I am a good person”.

And then tomorrow she’ll give you a big ol’ deuce on the laundry room floor, or hock up a croquet sized hairball in a strategic place to be found later, and remind you how life really is.

Today at lunch, my son and I somehow got on the topic of cussing. I was reminded of a conversation I had years ago with my mom, who is in heaven now. I told him what she had said.

She said “Son… you are at an age where you will probably start cussing. For all I know, maybe you already do. And soon, you will be too old for me to do anything about it. But I have one favor to ask:. If you would, please don’t ever use the ‘F’ word around me. I don’t know what it is, but there is just something about that word that makes me cringe. If you would grant me that one favor, I would be most thankful”. And for the rest of her life, I honored her request.

Kids these days want paid just to be good.

I can be good for nothing.